[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
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Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.