Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
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I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Meme Monday.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
yeah 😭
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.