Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair