My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you