“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
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If you know, you know
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Krampus.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Coffee is ready.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch