goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
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IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard