*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably