Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest