There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
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[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Lassie, get help!
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
🤣😂🤣
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.