I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
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I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds