If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
You Might Also Like
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….