i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.