ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure