[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Just me?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Who does Amazon think I am?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house