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Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
A classic…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats