wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
who will stop them
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.