I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
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Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.