Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago