[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
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If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6