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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful