me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts