Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything