I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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A choir of Spring onions
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.