INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
the saddest jazz hands ever
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’