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I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I needed a laugh this morning.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I hate everything
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.