Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Candles never taste the way they smell
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.