THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
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Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
We need to put an American base on the sun
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?