Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
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“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
My kitchen overserved me.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”