I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
same vibe as tangled headphones
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no