The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
socratic questions
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.