Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
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[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.