my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good