A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
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i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet