When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
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the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?