[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
hey, alexa
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”