Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.