Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”