I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
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6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
i will avenge u mr van gogh