I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
You Might Also Like
thanks auntie mary
my fav colour is also hitler
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Boating season is upon us.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
as is their right
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?