My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit