[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’m putting together a team
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Trumpy Cat
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.