I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
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[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Sign at work today
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”