Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me