*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
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Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.