People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
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every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts