Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace