Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
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Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
oppen heimer style lol
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to