I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.