“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.