Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
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Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
May never get over this
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.